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12 January 2005 @ 06:12 pm
This has been brewing for a bit
methinks an explanation is due-
you all know me, more or less
some more than others-
thats just the way things are
so the breakdown is this
I'm not the one to call others
or invite people over
I'm not the one to set up sessions
organize functions
this doesn't mean I don't want to, or that I won't
-I'm just usually afraid to
all the assurance
and I'm still too afraid to use the phone
'cos of the impending brush off
which is all but guaranteed in my head

on a day heroic I might be persuaded to change
but only for a short period of time
It seems like I don't put the effort in
-I really wish it
did and sometimes even I'm not available
- I'm just filling time that I wanted to spend with people but didn't want to call

i don't think it helps that I have this feeling that no one wants to be around me
delusional or not
again even with the constant assurance
I'm some sort of recluse
If you've been there thankyou and I love you - no matter how many times I say it
If not thats fine too- I still care
thanks where appropriate to anyone who ever included me
you're the reason I can write this
and not be to worried to post anything but Private
-It must look like I leave people behind
For that I am truly sorry
It's just that
its getting harder to dial.

Current Mood: appreciative
Current Music: I alone -K's choice
04 January 2005 @ 03:36 pm
so I get pulled from my 3rd hour to go talk to someone
-I got an offer for a co-op!!!
if this all goes as plan I will be doing tech work at St. Paul instead of freshman gym and, the least important but still exciting bit, I'm getting paid!!! not much but hey welcome to the land of woo and hoo
theres coffee too well i don't know that for sure, but it sounds like a nice way to end the yay
Current Mood: excitedexcited
Current Music: Malcom Mclaren - About her
19 December 2004 @ 02:10 am
http://www.ogmac.co.uk/sidcup/stainedglass.htm - dodgy stained glass window
http://www.ogmac.co.uk/sidcup/worsthalloween.htm - similar themed halloween costume
18 December 2004 @ 12:32 pm
I'm neptuuuuneCollapse )
Current Music: Who am I- casting
13 December 2004 @ 12:09 am
-I need to move out for a bit-
I'm sorry that everything is my fault
I'm sorry I'm not the perfect daughter
and that I'm such a disappointment
I'm sorry that you hate your fucking job
and that its my fault you need it
I'm sorry you're such a slob
and that I'm never home to clean after either of us
I'm sorry your family's coming over
and that I deserve hell because of it
I'm sorry I get along better with my step-mother
-that I still say your son is an asshole
I'm sorry that you don't have enough room for your useless shit
at that -I'm not able to accomodate
I'm sorry that I'm less messy than you,
less of a pack rat as you
and I eat my feelings less than you do
Its funny that I take the blame for everything,
but when I say its not my fault you claim I never take responsibility
I'm sorry I don't know what you mean when you speak to me in 48 year old PMS
I'm sorry I'm not already a doctor, buying you a mansion and maids
-all the other kids are
and stop blaming it on me
your divorce is not my fault
your shitty job is not my fault
your abusive son- MY abusive brother is not my fault
your pessimistic closed-minded boyfriend is not my fault
dad's been gone for 14 years its not his fault either
Guess what mom? I love you- But you really helped to fuck me up-
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Black Box Recorder- Child Psychology
07 December 2004 @ 12:16 am
one of those quizzy thingsCollapse )
Current Mood: sleepysleepy
Current Music: PJ harvey - One line
28 November 2004 @ 12:06 am
1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
2. Am I wierd?
3. How long have you known me?
4. When and how did we first meet?
5. What was your first impression?
6. Do you still think that way about me now?
7. What do you think my weakness is?
8. Do you think I'll get married?
9. What makes me happy?
10. What makes me sad?
11. What reminds you of me?
12. What would you change about me?
13. What should I never change?
14. Describe me in one word.
15. If you could give me anything what would it be?
16. How well do you know me?
17. When's the last time you saw me?
18. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? If so what was it?
19. Do you think I could kill someone?
20. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
21. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
22. Do you find me attractive?
23. would you ever kiss me?
24. Would you ever date me?
Current Mood: curiouscurious
Current Music: Breakaway- Kelly Clarkson
apparently I'm an elitist bitchCollapse ) . I really do take pride in obscurity . Ironically I'm also open minded once I decided my style...Collapse ) _ _ _ _ I have a ratingCollapse )
Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: The Donnas - Fall Behind
23 September 2004 @ 11:38 pm
and now I know what the considerations are
there's worse ways I could feel
it began because I was there
which actually might be how its left
and all I can think is where's the coffee

these verbs don't decline themselves
so tell me what the preconcieved notions were
what exactly were the expectations
the revelations
of degradation

"and its open for destraction"
the only thing that I need is the only thing that's never still
"this is so, this is familiar- this is so, this is so foreign- that's okay foreign's familiar to me now"
If it were my choice, I'd find my hairbrush right now
this used to be a cute quirk
Current Mood: sleepysleepy
Current Music: Butterfly Busy
03 September 2004 @ 05:38 pm
Do you know who sounds like Ian ("Bojangles")?
-Brad Pitt, in Fight Club mostly, last night it was on my computer playlist, I didn't realize, so I wake up looking around going 'heh?' -then wondered why Ian was talking about fighting, and space monkeys, so finally I caught on, and tried to sleep again, coffee does that to me.. next time we break to 15
Current Mood: pensivepensive
Current Music: Amici Forever- Nessun Dorma